when longing is infused into the letting go .

[ aka letting go is hard because you don't want to let go duh ]

some scattered thoughts :

sometimes, the longing is what makes it difficult to let go.

sometimes, you get lost in the longing and find yourself still holding on

that you're stuck from moving on.

the path that would've led you on becomes buried in the leaves of hesitation and what-ifs.

time dulls the longing, but it will always remain, perhaps in a different form? 

"want." "desire." such strong human experiences.

sometimes we tend to over-romanticize our desires.

can you will yourself to "undesire"? to stop hoping? but is that human?

cynicism only exposes a hope that's been buried. 

apathy is an attempt to protect yourself from disappointment and keep yourself from sadness. but in the process you're also starving yourself of desire and numbing yourself from happiness.

it's a stump of a tree cut down from growing into life.

but even tree stumps give life and shelter to the critters and plants in its vicinity.

pls stay <3 endure <3

(randomly turned into a plea haha)

___________

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

-- ps51.12

judas iscariot

14 Then one of the Twelve—the one called Judas Iscariot—went to the chief priests 15 and asked, “What are you willing to give me if I deliver him over to you?” So they counted out for him thirty pieces of silver. 16 From then on Judas watched for an opportunity to hand him over.  

—Matthew 26

Lord,

how am I any different from judas iscariot?

I who betray and exchange You

for the cheap pleasures and satisfactions of this world?

I who turn away from the one true Diamond,

instead craving for temporary and counterfeit treasures

that turn out to be mud, slipping through the cracks of my heart

Lord,

forgive me

change me

i don't want to keep making the same mistake

trading joy for sorrow

doubting into disbelief of Your Majesty

Your glory

Your love...

be my first love once again.

four leaf clover.

i had a random goal at the start of this year. not a resolution per se, but i got this random mission to find a four leaf clover. so random, i know.

i'd never found a four leaf clover in my life; and any attempts in the past to find one, no matter how hard i'd tried, these little greenies eluded me.

for some time now, i'd been taking small walks around my work during my breaks. it's a nice time to get some fresh air and some reprieve from the work space, and the campus is beautiful with plenty of greenery. somewhat it was a spiritual time for me as well, to walk thinking to God; almost like walking with God(?). with my new little mission in mind, i started pausing around patches of clovers to peruse their pretty green leaves that came in threes, keeping count as my eyes scanned for an anomaly. i'd been unlucky for many weeks now.

side story.

this past week started off a bit rough. something made my will and emotions fall flat, and i was at a real low. i cried my eyes out to God. "why, God!!! what's wrong with me! do You even love me???" i recounted all the negative events and aspects of my life in utter self-pity. and in an act of pure defiance and pride and entitlement, i tried to think of something outrageous to challenge God to prove His love for me. in my fit, i threw Him whatever came to mind first. "if You do love me God, then show me a four leaf clover!!!!" hmf. that should do it. You know how hard that is?? ha. that should prove He doesn't even listen to me, or care for me. and that's probably why i am going through this difficult season, because He's not even there.

the next day, still feeling low, i mechanically went to work, apathetic and indifferent to everything. i forgot about my ridiculous challenge to God. still, i looked forward to my little walk and my little search for a four leaf clover. scanning patch after patch, i was nearing the end of my break about to give up, when -- !! there it was!

my first ever four leaf clover

and

God's answer to my prayer.

the memory of my stupid challenge came rushing into my mind but any humiliation was overpowered and erased as God showed me this cute little four leaf clover, as if whispering to me that He was there for me. He did love me. He did hear my cries....

i know four leaf clovers aren't the most miraculous finds, but for me, the timing felt too... sequential(?) for it to be coincidence. at that moment, the four leaf clover was an answer of love, a reminder of His presence...

i'm sorry God...

i'm sorry for doubting You. i'm sorry for being so defiant. i'm sorry for sinning even still.

and yet You don't seem to give up on me T_T....

i am reminded of this quote i heard from tim keller, originally by derek kidner:

"God knows how men speak when they are desperate."

God, You're sorta funny sometimes. and so mysterious.

thanks God.... T__T

"sorry God"

i feel myself tearing up as i remember the past and compare with my present.

but the Holy Spirit stops me.

"뚝해.

don't grieve for what could have been, or what could be.

you have self-righteousness hidden within those could've-should've-would've's.

grieve for your sins.

and turn, turn from them."

Forgive me God .............. !!!!

i have become my own god.

excuses excuses excuses

piling on top of one another

to justify for the minor conveniences i've allowed for myself

to replace the feelings of discomfort and disappointment.

want want want

i feed the hungers of my flesh

dulling the voice of my conscience.

i can never have enough.

-

oh God.

break through

these walls

i've built

on sandy foundation...

i'm scared

i'm tired

i'm beat

i need Your strength

cus i fail to persevere on my own...

be God over my life once again,

once and for all.

honestly (some tough questions)

Were Obligation and Loyalty my gods? Were they the reason I stayed long hours at church, the motivation behind my service, like a machine? And now that they've been uprooted from below my feet, I have no footing. I feel like I am just hovering through life like a ghost with no feet, no purpose. 

Were they the reason I got so burnt out? Because - unlike God, who gives of Himself limitlessly, endlessly - these counterfeit gods ruthlessly demanded me to give more and more of myself what I did not have, could not give. Merciless gods who hunger for our energy; who were never satisfied with what I did give, even my best; and their rewards were just a few moments' reprieve from tasks and more tasks. But even those moments of sitting still were cut short by a looming sense of guilt that I should be moving and doing something.

And so outside of that space I searched for relief. Was that when Sloth answered the call? - Sloth, the other god, who promised rest and calm; but while it whispered fake words of comfort and pretended to take my side, saying I "deserved" doing nothing because of what Obligation and Loyalty took out of me, it demanded my wasted time in return.

Was Love not there for me? Was my motivation unloving and only self-serving? God, I thought, I truly truly truly thought and believed, that my service was all for You. Truly, out of love for You and love for Your people. I did love them. I remember those times, though difficult, were also filled with memories of joy and love, gratitude and kindness to one another. But why is this process so hard for me? Why can't I just pick myself back up and go back.

Oh, God… but I know that You are with me still. I know You won't leave even if this path doesn't look linear for me, even if I'm so sporadic and wishy-washy at times (sorry T__T). I know You are faithful but still ask for Your help to get me through this. Help me get back to that space with Your love... with Your joy and patience, forgiveness and kindness, peace and self-control... and courage. And forgive me for turning to other gods.

socially awkward .

Growing up, I've always been at peace with my awkwardness and I never felt the pressure or much care to fit in. But something about being older... I get so sad to know that my social awkwardness and anxiety can get in the way(?) of the church family that God desires. Ok ok, I know - "Nothing can get in the way of God's plans!" or "You're so proud to think your weakness blah blah." I dono.. I just get frustrated thinking of how my awkward silences can be mistaken for rudeness or dislike, and my efforts to make small talk are just blubbering stutters that eventually make me look a fool. I feel a tension between my desire for community and my comfort in isolation. But I also feel the tension within those tensions. My comfort in isolation is at times met with loneliness and fear of being forgotten. Desire for community is at a tug-of-war with fear of people and un-acceptance.

Whether inside the church or outside, society as a whole values community. That's what society is; when community dies, society can't thrive. And to some extent, everyone wears masks to hide parts of themselves and in an effort to make community "work". But what if you're just a weirdo that can't fake it well? How do I keep "being me" and my weird self, vs. do I compromise my weaknesses, and how do I swallow my fears in order to love others? I dono if this makes sense.

I know at the end of the day, God calls us to love each other with all of our quirks and differences. At the end of the day, his church is made up of all kinds of people who are flawed and imperfect. I want to love God, and love people... But in my first steps into looking for a church, I find myself struggling to fit in and be accepted. I feel like a broken finger trying to find a body that will accept it, but first I need to wrap my broken self up well with a neat bow. Or as if I'm a tooth trying to be an eyeball. Idk!! haha

sigh.

how are You ?

what are You thinking about, God?

what has been on Your mind lately?

i know i won't fully understand;

Your ways and thoughts are much higher than mine

but curiosity and wonder float around in my little mind -

how are you, God?

"lost cause"

"why are you so dumb"

"i hate myself"

words

that i have to fight

every morning

every day

by remembering

God loves me

may the breaking not cause me to seek out

temporary solutions, temporary alleviations, temporary protections -

in the process building a fortress of accumulated idols,

burying me in the walls that were intended to shelter

but may the crushing allow You to carve

a well so deep and so firm

to hold Your anointing,

Your anointing that breaks chains

within and without;

may it purify what my sins have stained -

the things You'd entrusted to me...

mold in me once again more space

for Your love and Your grace

in the way only You can create out of nothing

help me not to turn a blind eye or run away

as if it could cause sorrow to disappear

but help me to hold on

help me to keep trusting You

help me to endure in the little things

even if i don't know and can't see what You're doing

even if You feel far away

even if this life seems done away with

i don't know how but would You be glorified

help me to hold fast to Your hesed,

Your kind, relentless, unchanging love for us

fears // figuring her out .

- thorns / walls

- difficulty asking for help

- pretending to be immune(?) to what she likes

-- difficulty expressing affection

when the walls that were designed to protect

start to isolate and destroy...

"아무리 괜찮은 일상을 흉내를 내도

고장난 부분은 그렇게 불쑥 튀어나오더라고요."

<드라마 - 멜로무비>

ㅠㅠ

create

be a planter of seeds

create

for your fulfillment and joy

the fruits will bear on the by

produce something

not for the success

(which, if it does come by, great,

if not, it's fine)

no more consuming

more creating

more planting

shalom

"The Hebrew word for this perfect, harmonious interdependence among all parts of creation is called shalom. We translate it as 'peace,' but the English word is basically negative, referring to the absence of trouble or hostility. The Hebrew word means much more than that. It means absolute wholeness — full, harmonious, joyful, flourishing life."

— The Reason for God, Tim Keller

2024, 안녕 .

Another year - tumultuous, erratic, lonely, uncertain - gone by.

It's hard to believe that I made it, yet... here I am, at its end, bidding it farewell.

I wish that saying goodbye to 2024 could also mean a parting with sadness and all the problems and worries of life. Alas.

Yet as I welcome in the new year, I hope my strength is renewed, and that I've developed more dimensions to my understanding/perspective of life. Of people. I hope I have deeper wisdom and bolder purposefulness and resolve.

God... it was difficult but thank you.

It is still difficult but thank you.

Even if it will keep being difficult, please continue to be with me.

Help me to be aware that you are there even when I feel alone.

2024, 안녕.

2025, 안녕.

some things .

a season of saying 'no' to myself,
and following through.

----

my thoughts have become so big.

it's good for us to prepare before anything takes place. but i've become so used to preparing myself for the worst with my thoughts and my brain goes into overdrive, and now in many situations, rather than confronting anything head-on, the thoughts have become decision-makers themselves. they no longer are just "thoughts" or "plans"; they've become too big that they sap all my energy for whatever they've been made to prepare me for… (does this even make sense). i guess sometimes, that's why spontaneity can be refreshing.

so it's important to resist my thoughts, consciously. if i don't, they'll just keep going, and on harder days it'll be easier to cave in with my own attempts to distract/console myself. resisting can be, for example, thinking/saying 'no' to myself (when i'm able to actually catch a thought lol). and of course with the Word and talking to God. thinking is just a natural part of us and thoughts can just flow on their own that you don't think twice to stop in your tracks and catch them.... i want to be more active in that.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

— phil4.6

Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.

— psalm86.11

dear eo,

Dear 2020 eo,

If God had told you about the outcomes of life's future chapters that would unfold ahead of you, would you still be willing to try? If you knew you were going to fail at certain things, would you even start?

Randomly remembered a sermon psam preached and him saying this. A lot of the times, we move based on the potential of "success," whatever that may look like. There's the saying, "What would you do if you knew you could not fail?" I get the intentions of the quote, and there's definitely power in it for certain times, but... what would you do if you knew you would fail? But isn't that also the reason God doesn't always reveal the full picture to us? Because we probably won't give a second thought to fails.

But God's definition of success and failure is different from ours. And what happens and who we meet along the way are, in a sense, the true "prizes" of any journey — our characters being molded...  us developing different perspectives of things... the community and friendships made along the way... And most of all, knowing God more and experiencing His deep, deep love for us in every circumstance... T___T

So, 2020 eo, (or rather, eo of years way past), if I had told you about all the things that would happen in your life and categorize them under "Successes vs. Fails," you would probably make many different choices to avoid the fails. But I wonder if you would be able to get as close to God as you would have without the same choices and the same experiences. Relying on God would look quite different, I think. And I'm truly coming to know how much love God has for us in it ALL.... (though there is so much more to know...) and developing deeper gratitude for the people He's put into my life. I'm so so thankful T_T

Dear 2024 eo,

Let's keep trusting in God. Despite not knowing the end results... even if things don't work out expectedly... we know God is in the details, and He can turn what we think are the worst things into good, if we place our life in His hands.

Hwaiting!

— Phil 3.13-14

Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

_________________________

"What would you do if you knew you could not fail?"

vs.

“Many times people think if God has called you to something, he’s promising you success. He might be calling you to fail to prepare you for something else through the failure.”

— Timothy Keller

happy 2022.

weird to have as a "theme" if you can call it that but a verse that's been recurring since end of 2021-

 jeremiah 17.9

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

but also, must remember:

jeremiah 17.14

Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise

— c. h. spurgeon .

There is something exceedingly improving to the mind in a contemplation of the Divinity. It is a subject so vast, that all our thoughts are lost in its immensity; so deep, that our pride is drowned in its infinity. Other subjects we can grapple with; in them we feel a kind of self-content, and go our way with the thought, “Behold I am wise.” But when we come to this master science, finding that our plumbline cannot sound its depth, and that our eagle eye cannot see its height, we turn away with the thought that vain man would be wise, but he is like a wild ass’s colt; and with solemn exclamation, “I am but of yesterday, and know nothing.” No subject of contemplation will tend more to humble the mind, than thoughts of God.... 

But while the subject humbles the mind, it also expands it. He who often thinks of God, will have a larger mind than the man who simply plods around this narrow globe.... The most excellent study for expanding the soul, is the science of Christ, and Him crucified, and the knowledge of the Godhead in the glorious Trinity. Nothing will so enlarge the intellect, nothing so magnify the whole soul of man, as a devout, earnest, continued investigation of the great subject of the Deity.

And, while humbling and expanding, this subject is eminently consolatory. Oh, there is, in contemplating Christ, a balm for every wound; in musing on the Father, there is a quietus for every grief; and in the influence of the Holy Ghost, there is a balsam for every sore.

Would you lose your sorrow? Would you drown your cares? Then go, plunge yourself in the Godhead’s deepest sea; be lost in his immensity; and you shall come forth as from a couch of rest, refreshed and invigorated. I know nothing which can so comfort the soul; so calm the swelling billows of sorrow and grief; so speak peace to the winds of trial, as a devout musing upon the subject of the Godhead. It is to that subject that I invite you this morning.

2020 .

What a year.

Like other years, many posts have been left as drafts. Unlike other years (except a few), I haven't really written much, at least not on here. But something always keeps me coming back to write here. And I am thankful, even if I'm the only one who reads 😅

2020 started off with new perspectives and a blooming hope. Hope was there in the other years, yes, but had seemed so distant. It looked like a dwindling hope. After what felt like crossing a few mountains and valleys, hope seemed closer. But I s'pose that's what hope is, something that's not too far off that you can still see it, yet not quite close enough to touch. Such an interesting concept -- but not for this post.

But back to the beginning of 2020. I don't know, I thought it would be a "year of restoration." That's what I'd written in my journal and felt in my heart, anyway. I think I was well on my way, actually. And then... Covid. The hullabaloo and chaos it brought upon all of us - as well as the many losses, the events leading to the protests, and SO many other things - well, I wasn't quite sure what to make of the "year of restoration" bit anymore.

Yet it some odd ways, there were pockets of my life that did see restoration. Life slowed down, and the energy that would've usually been spent towards work and school had been pent up, and suddenly found new purpose. The art and piano (more the art) that I'd neglected for so long. Hiking with mom. Relationship with God.

...Amongst a few other "restored" or "in-the-process-of-being-restored" things.

Going into 2021. I think I've been fooled enough to enter a new year with a bare, minimal, and naive "hope" for things to be better than the previous one. I think as one grows older, life just keeps dumping more and more responsibilities and things for you to carry. I promise I'm not cynical haha. I'm not saying I won't hope. But on top of hope that things will be okay, I know now to expect the challenges and hurdles and want to be prepared to get through them, knowing that God will use those things to strengthen me and maybe encourage others. Being prepared to be strengthened? Haha I dono. And in some respects, perhaps it's because of hope that this perspective may have been able to soak into my mind. Suffering is not in vain.

It's weird. Nothing much has changed in the previous years -- I'm still going through the same things, pretty much. But I feel that my mind/heart/attitude has changed, and that has changed almost everything.

This passage keeps coming back to me. 

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. —romans 5.3-5

So for 2021, along with the desire to love God more, I just hope to keep persevering. Take rests when I need to.

But I don't want to give up.

2020 :

therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: the old has gone, the new is here! —2 corinthians 5.17
--
i have been crucified with Christ and i no longer live, but Christ lives in me. the life i now live in the body, i live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. —galatians 2.20
--
since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. for you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God... —colossians 3.1-3