covered

covered in spikes and thorns

from trying to protect myself...

or from trying to protect others from myself?

(or both?)

how

howw

am i supposed to find community

when i can't trust my own self

sigh

finding myself

to the questions of lostness

"who am i"

"where am i"

You say,

"you are Mine.

My child."

in this hopeless

will-less

directionless

heart

just like the course of a river

its width

or its depth

changes

from small chisels of rock being peeled away

or after a huge storm

You're changing

my heart

chiseling my mind

in this shell called my self

You fill me with Your Spirit

Your love

Your purpose

it still feels impossible

i still don't know anything

but help me to cling to You...

help me

help me

stay grounded in the

anxious turmoil

of others

help me not to

become anxious

and compound

anxiety and insecurity

on top of one another

help me

stay true

to You

Your love

Your goodness

Your kindess

to reflect

Your grace and truth

in the winds of billowing

thoughts and words

God... help me

losing myself

where am i?
where have i gone?

who am i?

what do i like?

behind these eyes, this shell, who is there? is anyone there?

what gives her life?

does anything, nowadays?

why does she live?

is there any meaning to her doing?

any joy, any hope, any anger, any sadness?

--

i feel like

i've been

erasing

myself

until i've 

become

just a

shell 

of 

my

self

(tried but failed not to sob)

the mistrust of authority

the tension and doubt that automatically arise when a voice sounds a certain way

or when an environment feels too familiar to the one where it all started

the subconscious diagnosings of what's wrong at this church and that

the memories of burnout and tiredness that suckerpunch the desire to serve

the anxiety and fear of commitment to community that might reject or not last

the thick fortress i've already built to protect myself from any possibility of hurt and betrayal

.

.

.

tried to string some feelings/mind processes into letters and words to articulate them as best i could.

i know feelings are not the truth, but they point to the current state of things, and

it all feels so impossible to overcome....

when longing is infused into the letting go .

[ aka letting go is hard because you don't want to let go duh ]

some scattered thoughts :

sometimes, the longing is what makes it difficult to let go.

sometimes, you get lost in the longing and find yourself still holding on

that you're stuck from moving on.

the path that would've led you on becomes buried in the leaves of hesitation and what-ifs.

time dulls the longing, but it will always remain, perhaps in a different form? 

"want." "desire." such strong human experiences.

sometimes we tend to over-romanticize our desires.

can you will yourself to "undesire"? to stop hoping? but is that human?

cynicism only exposes a hope that's been buried. 

apathy is an attempt to protect yourself from disappointment and keep yourself from sadness. but in the process you're also starving yourself of desire and numbing yourself from happiness.

it's a stump of a tree cut down from growing into life.

but even tree stumps give life and shelter to the critters and plants in its vicinity.

pls stay <3 endure <3

(randomly turned into a plea haha)

___________

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

-- ps51.12

judas iscariot

14 Then one of the Twelve—the one called Judas Iscariot—went to the chief priests 15 and asked, “What are you willing to give me if I deliver him over to you?” So they counted out for him thirty pieces of silver. 16 From then on Judas watched for an opportunity to hand him over.  

—Matthew 26

Lord,

how am I any different from judas iscariot?

I who betray and exchange You

for the cheap pleasures and satisfactions of this world?

I who turn away from the one true Diamond,

instead craving for temporary and counterfeit treasures

that turn out to be mud, slipping through the cracks of my heart

Lord,

forgive me

change me

i don't want to keep making the same mistake

trading joy for sorrow

doubting into disbelief of Your Majesty

Your glory

Your love...

be my first love once again.

four leaf clover.

i had a random goal at the start of this year. not a resolution per se, but i got this random mission to find a four leaf clover. so random, i know.

i'd never found a four leaf clover in my life; and any attempts in the past to find one, no matter how hard i'd tried, these little greenies eluded me.

for some time now, i'd been taking small walks around my work during my breaks. it's a nice time to get some fresh air and some reprieve from the work space, and the campus is beautiful with plenty of greenery. somewhat it was a spiritual time for me as well, to walk thinking to God; almost like walking with God(?). with my new little mission in mind, i started pausing around patches of clovers to peruse their pretty green leaves that came in threes, keeping count as my eyes scanned for an anomaly. i'd been unlucky for many weeks now.

side story.

this past week started off a bit rough. something made my will and emotions fall flat, and i was at a real low. i cried my eyes out to God. "why, God!!! what's wrong with me! do You even love me???" i recounted all the negative events and aspects of my life in utter self-pity. and in an act of pure defiance and pride and entitlement, i tried to think of something outrageous to challenge God to prove His love for me. in my fit, i threw Him whatever came to mind first. "if You do love me God, then show me a four leaf clover!!!!" hmf. that should do it. You know how hard that is?? ha. that should prove He doesn't even listen to me, or care for me. and that's probably why i am going through this difficult season, because He's not even there.

the next day, still feeling low, i mechanically went to work, apathetic and indifferent to everything. i forgot about my ridiculous challenge to God. still, i looked forward to my little walk and my little search for a four leaf clover. scanning patch after patch, i was nearing the end of my break about to give up, when -- !! there it was!

my first ever four leaf clover

and

God's answer to my prayer.

the memory of my stupid challenge came rushing into my mind but any humiliation was overpowered and erased as God showed me this cute little four leaf clover, as if whispering to me that He was there for me. He did love me. He did hear my cries....

i know four leaf clovers aren't the most miraculous finds, but for me, the timing felt too... sequential(?) for it to be coincidence. at that moment, the four leaf clover was an answer of love, a reminder of His presence...

i'm sorry God...

i'm sorry for doubting You. i'm sorry for being so defiant. i'm sorry for sinning even still.

and yet You don't seem to give up on me T_T....

i am reminded of this quote i heard from tim keller, originally by derek kidner:

"God knows how men speak when they are desperate."

God, You're sorta funny sometimes. and so mysterious.

thanks God.... T__T

"sorry God"

i feel myself tearing up as i remember the past and compare with my present.

but the Holy Spirit stops me.

"뚝해.

don't grieve for what could have been, or what could be.

you have self-righteousness hidden within those could've-should've-would've's.

grieve for your sins.

and turn, turn from them."

Forgive me God .............. !!!!

i have become my own god.

excuses excuses excuses

piling on top of one another

to justify for the minor conveniences i've allowed for myself

to replace the feelings of discomfort and disappointment.

want want want

i feed the hungers of my flesh

dulling the voice of my conscience.

i can never have enough.

-

oh God.

break through

these walls

i've built

on sandy foundation...

i'm scared

i'm tired

i'm beat

i need Your strength

cus i fail to persevere on my own...

be God over my life once again,

once and for all.

honestly (some tough questions)

Were Obligation and Loyalty my gods? Were they the reason I stayed long hours at church, the motivation behind my service, like a machine? And now that they've been uprooted from below my feet, I have no footing. I feel like I am just hovering through life like a ghost with no feet, no purpose. 

Were they the reason I got so burnt out? Because - unlike God, who gives of Himself limitlessly, endlessly - these counterfeit gods ruthlessly demanded me to give more and more of myself what I did not have, could not give. Merciless gods who hunger for our energy; who were never satisfied with what I did give, even my best; and their rewards were just a few moments' reprieve from tasks and more tasks. But even those moments of sitting still were cut short by a looming sense of guilt that I should be moving and doing something.

And so outside of that space I searched for relief. Was that when Sloth answered the call? - Sloth, the other god, who promised rest and calm; but while it whispered fake words of comfort and pretended to take my side, saying I "deserved" doing nothing because of what Obligation and Loyalty took out of me, it demanded my wasted time in return.

Was Love not there for me? Was my motivation unloving and only self-serving? God, I thought, I truly truly truly thought and believed, that my service was all for You. Truly, out of love for You and love for Your people. I did love them. I remember those times, though difficult, were also filled with memories of joy and love, gratitude and kindness to one another. But why is this process so hard for me? Why can't I just pick myself back up and go back.

Oh, God… but I know that You are with me still. I know You won't leave even if this path doesn't look linear for me, even if I'm so sporadic and wishy-washy at times (sorry T__T). I know You are faithful but still ask for Your help to get me through this. Help me get back to that space with Your love... with Your joy and patience, forgiveness and kindness, peace and self-control... and courage. And forgive me for turning to other gods.

socially awkward .

Growing up, I've always been at peace with my awkwardness and I never felt the pressure or much care to fit in. But something about being older... I get so sad to know that my social awkwardness and anxiety can get in the way(?) of the church family that God desires. Ok ok, I know - "Nothing can get in the way of God's plans!" or "You're so proud to think your weakness blah blah." I dono.. I just get frustrated thinking of how my awkward silences can be mistaken for rudeness or dislike, and my efforts to make small talk are just blubbering stutters that eventually make me look a fool. I feel a tension between my desire for community and my comfort in isolation. But I also feel the tension within those tensions. My comfort in isolation is at times met with loneliness and fear of being forgotten. Desire for community is at a tug-of-war with fear of people and un-acceptance.

Whether inside the church or outside, society as a whole values community. That's what society is; when community dies, society can't thrive. And to some extent, everyone wears masks to hide parts of themselves and in an effort to make community "work". But what if you're just a weirdo that can't fake it well? How do I keep "being me" and my weird self, vs. do I compromise my weaknesses, and how do I swallow my fears in order to love others? I dono if this makes sense.

I know at the end of the day, God calls us to love each other with all of our quirks and differences. At the end of the day, his church is made up of all kinds of people who are flawed and imperfect. I want to love God, and love people... But in my first steps into looking for a church, I find myself struggling to fit in and be accepted. I feel like a broken finger trying to find a body that will accept it, but first I need to wrap my broken self up well with a neat bow. Or as if I'm a tooth trying to be an eyeball. Idk!! haha

sigh.

how are You ?

what are You thinking about, God?

what has been on Your mind lately?

i know i won't fully understand;

Your ways and thoughts are much higher than mine

but curiosity and wonder float around in my little mind -

how are you, God?

"lost cause"

"why are you so dumb"

"i hate myself"

words

that i have to fight

every morning

every day

by remembering

God loves me

may the breaking not cause me to seek out

temporary solutions, temporary alleviations, temporary protections -

in the process building a fortress of accumulated idols,

burying me in the walls that were intended to shelter

but may the crushing allow You to carve

a well so deep and so firm

to hold Your anointing,

Your anointing that breaks chains

within and without;

may it purify what my sins have stained -

the things You'd entrusted to me...

mold in me once again more space

for Your love and Your grace

in the way only You can create out of nothing

help me not to turn a blind eye or run away

as if it could cause sorrow to disappear

but help me to hold on

help me to keep trusting You

help me to endure in the little things

even if i don't know and can't see what You're doing

even if You feel far away

even if this life seems done away with

i don't know how but would You be glorified

help me to hold fast to Your hesed,

Your kind, relentless, unchanging love for us

fears // figuring her out .

- thorns / walls

- difficulty asking for help

- pretending to be immune(?) to what she likes

-- difficulty expressing affection

when the walls that were designed to protect

start to isolate and destroy...

"아무리 괜찮은 일상을 흉내를 내도

고장난 부분은 그렇게 불쑥 튀어나오더라고요."

<드라마 - 멜로무비>

ㅠㅠ

create

be a planter of seeds

create

for your fulfillment and joy

the fruits will bear on the by

produce something

not for the success

(which, if it does come by, great,

if not, it's fine)

no more consuming

more creating

more planting

shalom

"The Hebrew word for this perfect, harmonious interdependence among all parts of creation is called shalom. We translate it as 'peace,' but the English word is basically negative, referring to the absence of trouble or hostility. The Hebrew word means much more than that. It means absolute wholeness — full, harmonious, joyful, flourishing life."

— The Reason for God, Tim Keller

2024, 안녕 .

Another year - tumultuous, erratic, lonely, uncertain - gone by.

It's hard to believe that I made it, yet... here I am, at its end, bidding it farewell.

I wish that saying goodbye to 2024 could also mean a parting with sadness and all the problems and worries of life. Alas.

Yet as I welcome in the new year, I hope my strength is renewed, and that I've developed more dimensions to my understanding/perspective of life. Of people. I hope I have deeper wisdom and bolder purposefulness and resolve.

God... it was difficult but thank you.

It is still difficult but thank you.

Even if it will keep being difficult, please continue to be with me.

Help me to be aware that you are there even when I feel alone.

2024, 안녕.

2025, 안녕.

some things .

a season of saying 'no' to myself,
and following through.

----

my thoughts have become so big.

it's good for us to prepare before anything takes place. but i've become so used to preparing myself for the worst with my thoughts and my brain goes into overdrive, and now in many situations, rather than confronting anything head-on, the thoughts have become decision-makers themselves. they no longer are just "thoughts" or "plans"; they've become too big that they sap all my energy for whatever they've been made to prepare me for… (does this even make sense). i guess sometimes, that's why spontaneity can be refreshing.

so it's important to resist my thoughts, consciously. if i don't, they'll just keep going, and on harder days it'll be easier to cave in with my own attempts to distract/console myself. resisting can be, for example, thinking/saying 'no' to myself (when i'm able to actually catch a thought lol). and of course with the Word and talking to God. thinking is just a natural part of us and thoughts can just flow on their own that you don't think twice to stop in your tracks and catch them.... i want to be more active in that.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

— phil4.6

Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.

— psalm86.11