four leaf clover.

i had a random goal at the start of this year. not a resolution per se, but i got this random mission to find a four leaf clover. so random, i know.

i'd never found a four leaf clover in my life; and any attempts in the past to find one, no matter how hard i'd tried, these little greenies eluded me.

for some time now, i'd been taking small walks around my work during my breaks. it's a nice time to get some fresh air and some reprieve from the work space, and the campus is beautiful with plenty of greenery. somewhat it was a spiritual time for me as well, to walk thinking to God; almost like walking with God(?). with my new little mission in mind, i started pausing around patches of clovers to peruse their pretty green leaves that came in threes, keeping count as my eyes scanned for an anomaly. i'd been unlucky for many weeks now.

side story.

this past week started off a bit rough. something made my will and emotions fall flat, and i was at a real low. i cried my eyes out to God. "why, God!!! what's wrong with me! do You even love me???" i recounted all the negative events and aspects of my life in utter self-pity. and in an act of pure defiance and pride and entitlement, i tried to think of something outrageous to challenge God to prove His love for me. in my fit, i threw Him whatever came to mind first. "if You do love me God, then show me a four leaf clover!!!!" hmf. that should do it. You know how hard that is?? ha. that should prove He doesn't even listen to me, or care for me. and that's probably why i am going through this difficult season, because He's not even there.

the next day, still feeling low, i mechanically went to work, apathetic and indifferent to everything. i forgot about my ridiculous challenge to God. still, i looked forward to my little walk and my little search for a four leaf clover. scanning patch after patch, i was nearing the end of my break about to give up, when -- !! there it was!

my first ever four leaf clover

and

God's answer to my prayer.

the memory of my stupid challenge came rushing into my mind but any humiliation was overpowered and erased as God showed me this cute little four leaf clover, as if whispering to me that He was there for me. He did love me. He did hear my cries....

i know four leaf clovers aren't the most miraculous finds, but for me, the timing felt too... sequential(?) for it to be coincidence. at that moment, the four leaf clover was an answer of love, a reminder of His presence...

i'm sorry God...

i'm sorry for doubting You. i'm sorry for being so defiant. i'm sorry for sinning even still.

and yet You don't seem to give up on me T_T....

i am reminded of this quote i heard from tim keller, originally by derek kidner:

"God knows how men speak when they are desperate."

God, You're sorta funny sometimes. and so mysterious.

thanks God.... T__T