covered

covered in spikes and thorns

from trying to protect myself...

or from trying to protect others from myself?

(or both?)

how

howw

am i supposed to find community

when i can't trust my own self

sigh

finding myself

to the questions of lostness

"who am i"

"where am i"

You say,

"you are Mine.

My child."

in this hopeless

will-less

directionless

heart

just like the course of a river

its width

or its depth

changes

from small chisels of rock being peeled away

or after a huge storm

You're changing

my heart

chiseling my mind

in this shell called my self

You fill me with Your Spirit

Your love

Your purpose

it still feels impossible

i still don't know anything

but help me to cling to You...

help me

help me

stay grounded in the

anxious turmoil

of others

help me not to

become anxious

and compound

anxiety and insecurity

on top of one another

help me

stay true

to You

Your love

Your goodness

Your kindess

to reflect

Your grace and truth

in the winds of billowing

thoughts and words

God... help me

losing myself

where am i?
where have i gone?

who am i?

what do i like?

behind these eyes, this shell, who is there? is anyone there?

what gives her life?

does anything, nowadays?

why does she live?

is there any meaning to her doing?

any joy, any hope, any anger, any sadness?

--

i feel like

i've been

erasing

myself

until i've 

become

just a

shell 

of 

my

self

(tried but failed not to sob)

the mistrust of authority

the tension and doubt that automatically arise when a voice sounds a certain way

or when an environment feels too familiar to the one where it all started

the subconscious diagnosings of what's wrong at this church and that

the memories of burnout and tiredness that suckerpunch the desire to serve

the anxiety and fear of commitment to community that might reject or not last

the thick fortress i've already built to protect myself from any possibility of hurt and betrayal

.

.

.

tried to string some feelings/mind processes into letters and words to articulate them as best i could.

i know feelings are not the truth, but they point to the current state of things, and

it all feels so impossible to overcome....