four leaf clover.

i had a random goal at the start of this year. not a resolution per se, but i got this random mission to find a four leaf clover. so random, i know.

i'd never found a four leaf clover in my life; and any attempts in the past to find one, no matter how hard i'd tried, these little greenies eluded me.

for some time now, i'd been taking small walks around my work during my breaks. it's a nice time to get some fresh air and some reprieve from the work space, and the campus is beautiful with plenty of greenery. somewhat it was a spiritual time for me as well, to walk thinking to God; almost like walking with God(?). with my new little mission in mind, i started pausing around patches of clovers to peruse their pretty green leaves that came in threes, keeping count as my eyes scanned for an anomaly. i'd been unlucky for many weeks now.

side story.

this past week started off a bit rough. something made my will and emotions fall flat, and i was at a real low. i cried my eyes out to God. "why, God!!! what's wrong with me! do You even love me???" i recounted all the negative events and aspects of my life in utter self-pity. and in an act of pure defiance and pride and entitlement, i tried to think of something outrageous to challenge God to prove His love for me. in my fit, i threw Him whatever came to mind first. "if You do love me God, then show me a four leaf clover!!!!" hmf. that should do it. You know how hard that is?? ha. that should prove He doesn't even listen to me, or care for me. and that's probably why i am going through this difficult season, because He's not even there.

the next day, still feeling low, i mechanically went to work, apathetic and indifferent to everything. i forgot about my ridiculous challenge to God. still, i looked forward to my little walk and my little search for a four leaf clover. scanning patch after patch, i was nearing the end of my break about to give up, when -- !! there it was!

my first ever four leaf clover

and

God's answer to my prayer.

the memory of my stupid challenge came rushing into my mind but any humiliation was overpowered and erased as God showed me this cute little four leaf clover, as if whispering to me that He was there for me. He did love me. He did hear my cries....

i know four leaf clovers aren't the most miraculous finds, but for me, the timing felt too... sequential(?) for it to be coincidence. at that moment, the four leaf clover was an answer of love, a reminder of His presence...

i'm sorry God...

i'm sorry for doubting You. i'm sorry for being so defiant. i'm sorry for sinning even still.

and yet You don't seem to give up on me T_T....

i am reminded of this quote i heard from tim keller, originally by derek kidner:

"God knows how men speak when they are desperate."

God, You're sorta funny sometimes. and so mysterious.

thanks God.... T__T

"sorry God"

i feel myself tearing up as i remember the past and compare with my present.

but the Holy Spirit stops me.

"뚝해.

don't grieve for what could have been, or what could be.

you have self-righteousness hidden within those could've-should've-would've's.

grieve for your sins.

and turn, turn from them."

Forgive me God .............. !!!!

i have become my own god.

excuses excuses excuses

piling on top of one another

to justify for the minor conveniences i've allowed for myself

to replace the feelings of discomfort and disappointment.

want want want

i feed the hungers of my flesh

dulling the voice of my conscience.

i can never have enough.

-

oh God.

break through

these walls

i've built

on sandy foundation...

i'm scared

i'm tired

i'm beat

i need Your strength

cus i fail to persevere on my own...

be God over my life once again,

once and for all.

honestly (some tough questions)

Were Obligation and Loyalty my gods? Were they the reason I stayed long hours at church, the motivation behind my service, like a machine? And now that they've been uprooted from below my feet, I have no footing. I feel like I am just hovering through life like a ghost with no feet, no purpose. 

Were they the reason I got so burnt out? Because - unlike God, who gives of Himself limitlessly, endlessly - these counterfeit gods ruthlessly demanded me to give more and more of myself what I did not have, could not give. Merciless gods who hunger for our energy; who were never satisfied with what I did give, even my best; and their rewards were just a few moments' reprieve from tasks and more tasks. But even those moments of sitting still were cut short by a looming sense of guilt that I should be moving and doing something.

And so outside of that space I searched for relief. Was that when Sloth answered the call? - Sloth, the other god, who promised rest and calm; but while it whispered fake words of comfort and pretended to take my side, saying I "deserved" doing nothing because of what Obligation and Loyalty took out of me, it demanded my wasted time in return.

Was Love not there for me? Was my motivation unloving and only self-serving? God, I thought, I truly truly truly thought and believed, that my service was all for You. Truly, out of love for You and love for Your people. I did love them. I remember those times, though difficult, were also filled with memories of joy and love, gratitude and kindness to one another. But why is this process so hard for me? Why can't I just pick myself back up and go back.

Oh, God… but I know that You are with me still. I know You won't leave even if this path doesn't look linear for me, even if I'm so sporadic and wishy-washy at times (sorry T__T). I know You are faithful but still ask for Your help to get me through this. Help me get back to that space with Your love... with Your joy and patience, forgiveness and kindness, peace and self-control... and courage. And forgive me for turning to other gods.

socially awkward .

Growing up, I've always been at peace with my awkwardness and I never felt the pressure or much care to fit in. But something about being older... I get so sad to know that my social awkwardness and anxiety can get in the way(?) of the church family that God desires. Ok ok, I know - "Nothing can get in the way of God's plans!" or "You're so proud to think your weakness blah blah." I dono.. I just get frustrated thinking of how my awkward silences can be mistaken for rudeness or dislike, and my efforts to make small talk are just blubbering stutters that eventually make me look a fool. I feel a tension between my desire for community and my comfort in isolation. But I also feel the tension within those tensions. My comfort in isolation is at times met with loneliness and fear of being forgotten. Desire for community is at a tug-of-war with fear of people and un-acceptance.

Whether inside the church or outside, society as a whole values community. That's what society is; when community dies, society can't thrive. And to some extent, everyone wears masks to hide parts of themselves and in an effort to make community "work". But what if you're just a weirdo that can't fake it well? How do I keep "being me" and my weird self, vs. do I compromise my weaknesses, and how do I swallow my fears in order to love others? I dono if this makes sense.

I know at the end of the day, God calls us to love each other with all of our quirks and differences. At the end of the day, his church is made up of all kinds of people who are flawed and imperfect. I want to love God, and love people... But in my first steps into looking for a church, I find myself struggling to fit in and be accepted. I feel like a broken finger trying to find a body that will accept it, but first I need to wrap my broken self up well with a neat bow. Or as if I'm a tooth trying to be an eyeball. Idk!! haha

sigh.

how are You ?

what are You thinking about, God?

what has been on Your mind lately?

i know i won't fully understand;

Your ways and thoughts are much higher than mine

but curiosity and wonder float around in my little mind -

how are you, God?

"lost cause"

"why are you so dumb"

"i hate myself"

words

that i have to fight

every morning

every day

by remembering

God loves me