covered

covered in spikes and thorns

from trying to protect myself...

or from trying to protect others from myself?

(or both?)

how

howw

am i supposed to find community

when i can't trust my own self

sigh

finding myself

to the questions of lostness

"who am i"

"where am i"

You say,

"you are Mine.

My child."

in this hopeless

will-less

directionless

heart

just like the course of a river

its width

or its depth

changes

from small chisels of rock being peeled away

or after a huge storm

You're changing

my heart

chiseling my mind

in this shell called my self

You fill me with Your Spirit

Your love

Your purpose

it still feels impossible

i still don't know anything

but help me to cling to You...

help me

help me

stay grounded in the

anxious turmoil

of others

help me not to

become anxious

and compound

anxiety and insecurity

on top of one another

help me

stay true

to You

Your love

Your goodness

Your kindess

to reflect

Your grace and truth

in the winds of billowing

thoughts and words

God... help me

losing myself

where am i?
where have i gone?

who am i?

what do i like?

behind these eyes, this shell, who is there? is anyone there?

what gives her life?

does anything, nowadays?

why does she live?

is there any meaning to her doing?

any joy, any hope, any anger, any sadness?

--

i feel like

i've been

erasing

myself

until i've 

become

just a

shell 

of 

my

self

(tried but failed not to sob)

the mistrust of authority

the tension and doubt that automatically arise when a voice sounds a certain way

or when an environment feels too familiar to the one where it all started

the subconscious diagnosings of what's wrong at this church and that

the memories of burnout and tiredness that suckerpunch the desire to serve

the anxiety and fear of commitment to community that might reject or not last

the thick fortress i've already built to protect myself from any possibility of hurt and betrayal

.

.

.

tried to string some feelings/mind processes into letters and words to articulate them as best i could.

i know feelings are not the truth, but they point to the current state of things, and

it all feels so impossible to overcome....

when longing is infused into the letting go .

[ aka letting go is hard because you don't want to let go duh ]

some scattered thoughts :

sometimes, the longing is what makes it difficult to let go.

sometimes, you get lost in the longing and find yourself still holding on

that you're stuck from moving on.

the path that would've led you on becomes buried in the leaves of hesitation and what-ifs.

time dulls the longing, but it will always remain, perhaps in a different form? 

"want." "desire." such strong human experiences.

sometimes we tend to over-romanticize our desires.

can you will yourself to "undesire"? to stop hoping? but is that human?

cynicism only exposes a hope that's been buried. 

apathy is an attempt to protect yourself from disappointment and keep yourself from sadness. but in the process you're also starving yourself of desire and numbing yourself from happiness.

it's a stump of a tree cut down from growing into life.

but even tree stumps give life and shelter to the critters and plants in its vicinity.

pls stay <3 endure <3

(randomly turned into a plea haha)

___________

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

-- ps51.12

judas iscariot

14 Then one of the Twelve—the one called Judas Iscariot—went to the chief priests 15 and asked, “What are you willing to give me if I deliver him over to you?” So they counted out for him thirty pieces of silver. 16 From then on Judas watched for an opportunity to hand him over.  

—Matthew 26

Lord,

how am I any different from judas iscariot?

I who betray and exchange You

for the cheap pleasures and satisfactions of this world?

I who turn away from the one true Diamond,

instead craving for temporary and counterfeit treasures

that turn out to be mud, slipping through the cracks of my heart

Lord,

forgive me

change me

i don't want to keep making the same mistake

trading joy for sorrow

doubting into disbelief of Your Majesty

Your glory

Your love...

be my first love once again.