honestly (some tough questions)

Were Obligation and Loyalty my gods? Were they the reason I stayed long hours at church, the motivation behind my service, like a machine? And now that they've been uprooted from below my feet, I have no footing. I feel like I am just hovering through life like a ghost with no feet, no purpose. 

Were they the reason I got so burnt out? Because - unlike God, who gives of Himself limitlessly, endlessly - these counterfeit gods ruthlessly demanded me to give more and more of myself what I did not have, could not give. Merciless gods who hunger for our energy; who were never satisfied with what I did give, even my best; and their rewards were just a few moments' reprieve from tasks and more tasks. But even those moments of sitting still were cut short by a looming sense of guilt that I should be moving and doing something.

And so outside of that space I searched for relief. Was that when Sloth answered the call? - Sloth, the other god, who promised rest and calm; but while it whispered fake words of comfort and pretended to take my side, saying I "deserved" doing nothing because of what Obligation and Loyalty took out of me, it demanded my wasted time in return.

Was Love not there for me? Was my motivation unloving and only self-serving? God, I thought, I truly truly truly thought and believed, that my service was all for You. Truly, out of love for You and love for Your people. I did love them. I remember those times, though difficult, were also filled with memories of joy and love, gratitude and kindness to one another. But why is this process so hard for me? Why can't I just pick myself back up and go back.

Oh, God… but I know that You are with me still. I know You won't leave even if this path doesn't look linear for me, even if I'm so sporadic and wishy-washy at times (sorry T__T). I know You are faithful but still ask for Your help to get me through this. Help me get back to that space with Your love... with Your joy and patience, forgiveness and kindness, peace and self-control... and courage. And forgive me for turning to other gods.

socially awkward .

Growing up, I've always been at peace with my awkwardness and I never felt the pressure or much care to fit in. But something about being older... I get so sad to know that my social awkwardness and anxiety can get in the way(?) of the church family that God desires. Ok ok, I know - "Nothing can get in the way of God's plans!" or "You're so proud to think your weakness blah blah." I dono.. I just get frustrated thinking of how my awkward silences can be mistaken for rudeness or dislike, and my efforts to make small talk are just blubbering stutters that eventually make me look a fool. I feel a tension between my desire for community and my comfort in isolation. But I also feel the tension within those tensions. My comfort in isolation is at times met with loneliness and fear of being forgotten. Desire for community is at a tug-of-war with fear of people and un-acceptance.

Whether inside the church or outside, society as a whole values community. That's what society is; when community dies, society can't thrive. And to some extent, everyone wears masks to hide parts of themselves and in an effort to make community "work". But what if you're just a weirdo that can't fake it well? How do I keep "being me" and my weird self, vs. do I compromise my weaknesses, and how do I swallow my fears in order to love others? I dono if this makes sense.

I know at the end of the day, God calls us to love each other with all of our quirks and differences. At the end of the day, his church is made up of all kinds of people who are flawed and imperfect. I want to love God, and love people... But in my first steps into looking for a church, I find myself struggling to fit in and be accepted. I feel like a broken finger trying to find a body that will accept it, but first I need to wrap my broken self up well with a neat bow. Or as if I'm a tooth trying to be an eyeball. Idk!! haha

sigh.

how are You ?

what are You thinking about, God?

what has been on Your mind lately?

i know i won't fully understand;

Your ways and thoughts are much higher than mine

but curiosity and wonder float around in my little mind -

how are you, God?

"lost cause"

"why are you so dumb"

"i hate myself"

words

that i have to fight

every morning

every day

by remembering

God loves me

may the breaking not cause me to seek out

temporary solutions, temporary alleviations, temporary protections -

in the process building a fortress of accumulated idols,

burying me in the walls that were intended to shelter

but may the crushing allow You to carve

a well so deep and so firm

to hold Your anointing,

Your anointing that breaks chains

within and without;

may it purify what my sins have stained -

the things You'd entrusted to me...

mold in me once again more space

for Your love and Your grace

in the way only You can create out of nothing

help me not to turn a blind eye or run away

as if it could cause sorrow to disappear

but help me to hold on

help me to keep trusting You

help me to endure in the little things

even if i don't know and can't see what You're doing

even if You feel far away

even if this life seems done away with

i don't know how but would You be glorified

help me to hold fast to Your hesed,

Your kind, relentless, unchanging love for us

fears // figuring her out .

- thorns / walls

- difficulty asking for help

- pretending to be immune(?) to what she likes

-- difficulty expressing affection

when the walls that were designed to protect

start to isolate and destroy...

"아무리 괜찮은 일상을 흉내를 내도

고장난 부분은 그렇게 불쑥 튀어나오더라고요."

<드라마 - 멜로무비>

ㅠㅠ

create

be a planter of seeds

create

for your fulfillment and joy

the fruits will bear on the by

produce something

not for the success

(which, if it does come by, great,

if not, it's fine)

no more consuming

more creating

more planting