losing myself

where am i?
where have i gone?

who am i?

what do i like?

behind these eyes, this shell, who is there? is anyone there?

what gives her life?

does anything, nowadays?

why does she live?

is there any meaning to her doing?

any joy, any hope, any anger, any sadness?

--

i feel like

i've been

erasing

myself

until i've 

become

just a

shell 

of 

my

self

(tried but failed not to sob)

the mistrust of authority

the tension and doubt that automatically arise when a voice sounds a certain way

or when an environment feels too familiar to the one where it all started

the subconscious diagnosings of what's wrong at this church and that

the memories of burnout and tiredness that suckerpunch the desire to serve

the anxiety and fear of commitment to community that might reject or not last

the thick fortress i've already built to protect myself from any possibility of hurt and betrayal

.

.

.

tried to string some feelings/mind processes into letters and words to articulate them as best i could.

i know feelings are not the truth, but they point to the current state of things, and

it all feels so impossible to overcome....

when longing is infused into the letting go .

[ aka letting go is hard because you don't want to let go duh ]

some scattered thoughts :

sometimes, the longing is what makes it difficult to let go.

sometimes, you get lost in the longing and find yourself still holding on

that you're stuck from moving on.

the path that would've led you on becomes buried in the leaves of hesitation and what-ifs.

time dulls the longing, but it will always remain, perhaps in a different form? 

"want." "desire." such strong human experiences.

sometimes we tend to over-romanticize our desires.

can you will yourself to "undesire"? to stop hoping? but is that human?

cynicism only exposes a hope that's been buried. 

apathy is an attempt to protect yourself from disappointment and keep yourself from sadness. but in the process you're also starving yourself of desire and numbing yourself from happiness.

it's a stump of a tree cut down from growing into life.

but even tree stumps give life and shelter to the critters and plants in its vicinity.

pls stay <3 endure <3

(randomly turned into a plea haha)

___________

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

-- ps51.12

judas iscariot

14 Then one of the Twelve—the one called Judas Iscariot—went to the chief priests 15 and asked, “What are you willing to give me if I deliver him over to you?” So they counted out for him thirty pieces of silver. 16 From then on Judas watched for an opportunity to hand him over.  

—Matthew 26

Lord,

how am I any different from judas iscariot?

I who betray and exchange You

for the cheap pleasures and satisfactions of this world?

I who turn away from the one true Diamond,

instead craving for temporary and counterfeit treasures

that turn out to be mud, slipping through the cracks of my heart

Lord,

forgive me

change me

i don't want to keep making the same mistake

trading joy for sorrow

doubting into disbelief of Your Majesty

Your glory

Your love...

be my first love once again.

four leaf clover.

i had a random goal at the start of this year. not a resolution per se, but i got this random mission to find a four leaf clover. so random, i know.

i'd never found a four leaf clover in my life; and any attempts in the past to find one, no matter how hard i'd tried, these little greenies eluded me.

for some time now, i'd been taking small walks around my work during my breaks. it's a nice time to get some fresh air and some reprieve from the work space, and the campus is beautiful with plenty of greenery. somewhat it was a spiritual time for me as well, to walk thinking to God; almost like walking with God(?). with my new little mission in mind, i started pausing around patches of clovers to peruse their pretty green leaves that came in threes, keeping count as my eyes scanned for an anomaly. i'd been unlucky for many weeks now.

side story.

this past week started off a bit rough. something made my will and emotions fall flat, and i was at a real low. i cried my eyes out to God. "why, God!!! what's wrong with me! do You even love me???" i recounted all the negative events and aspects of my life in utter self-pity. and in an act of pure defiance and pride and entitlement, i tried to think of something outrageous to challenge God to prove His love for me. in my fit, i threw Him whatever came to mind first. "if You do love me God, then show me a four leaf clover!!!!" hmf. that should do it. You know how hard that is?? ha. that should prove He doesn't even listen to me, or care for me. and that's probably why i am going through this difficult season, because He's not even there.

the next day, still feeling low, i mechanically went to work, apathetic and indifferent to everything. i forgot about my ridiculous challenge to God. still, i looked forward to my little walk and my little search for a four leaf clover. scanning patch after patch, i was nearing the end of my break about to give up, when -- !! there it was!

my first ever four leaf clover

and

God's answer to my prayer.

the memory of my stupid challenge came rushing into my mind but any humiliation was overpowered and erased as God showed me this cute little four leaf clover, as if whispering to me that He was there for me. He did love me. He did hear my cries....

i know four leaf clovers aren't the most miraculous finds, but for me, the timing felt too... sequential(?) for it to be coincidence. at that moment, the four leaf clover was an answer of love, a reminder of His presence...

i'm sorry God...

i'm sorry for doubting You. i'm sorry for being so defiant. i'm sorry for sinning even still.

and yet You don't seem to give up on me T_T....

i am reminded of this quote i heard from tim keller, originally by derek kidner:

"God knows how men speak when they are desperate."

God, You're sorta funny sometimes. and so mysterious.

thanks God.... T__T

"sorry God"

i feel myself tearing up as i remember the past and compare with my present.

but the Holy Spirit stops me.

"뚝해.

don't grieve for what could have been, or what could be.

you have self-righteousness hidden within those could've-should've-would've's.

grieve for your sins.

and turn, turn from them."

Forgive me God .............. !!!!

i have become my own god.

excuses excuses excuses

piling on top of one another

to justify for the minor conveniences i've allowed for myself

to replace the feelings of discomfort and disappointment.

want want want

i feed the hungers of my flesh

dulling the voice of my conscience.

i can never have enough.

-

oh God.

break through

these walls

i've built

on sandy foundation...

i'm scared

i'm tired

i'm beat

i need Your strength

cus i fail to persevere on my own...

be God over my life once again,

once and for all.