(tried but failed not to sob)

the mistrust of authority

the tension and doubt that automatically arise when a voice sounds a certain way

or when an environment feels too familiar to the one where it all started

the subconscious diagnosings of what's wrong at this church and that

the memories of burnout and tiredness that suckerpunch the desire to serve

the anxiety and fear of commitment to community that might reject or not last

the thick fortress i've already built to protect myself from any possibility of hurt and betrayal

.

.

.

tried to string some feelings/mind processes into letters and words to articulate them as best i could.

i know feelings are not the truth, but they point to the current state of things, and

it all feels so impossible to overcome....