"lost cause"

"why are you so dumb"

"i hate myself"

words

that i have to fight

every morning

every day

by remembering

God loves me

may the breaking not cause me to seek out

temporary solutions, temporary alleviations, temporary protections -

in the process building a fortress of accumulated idols,

burying me in the walls that were intended to shelter

but may the crushing allow You to carve

a well so deep and so firm

to hold Your anointing,

Your anointing that breaks chains

within and without;

may it purify what my sins have stained -

the things You'd entrusted to me...

mold in me once again more space

for Your love and Your grace

in the way only You can create out of nothing

help me not to turn a blind eye or run away

as if it could cause sorrow to disappear

but help me to hold on

help me to keep trusting You

help me to endure in the little things

even if i don't know and can't see what You're doing

even if You feel far away

even if this life seems done away with

i don't know how but would You be glorified

help me to hold fast to Your hesed,

Your kind, relentless, unchanging love for us

fears // figuring her out .

- thorns / walls

- difficulty asking for help

- pretending to be immune(?) to what she likes

-- difficulty expressing affection

when the walls that were designed to protect

start to isolate and destroy...

"아무리 괜찮은 일상을 흉내를 내도

고장난 부분은 그렇게 불쑥 튀어나오더라고요."

<드라마 - 멜로무비>

ㅠㅠ

create

be a planter of seeds

create

for your fulfillment and joy

the fruits will bear on the by

produce something

not for the success

(which, if it does come by, great,

if not, it's fine)

no more consuming

more creating

more planting

shalom

"The Hebrew word for this perfect, harmonious interdependence among all parts of creation is called shalom. We translate it as 'peace,' but the English word is basically negative, referring to the absence of trouble or hostility. The Hebrew word means much more than that. It means absolute wholeness — full, harmonious, joyful, flourishing life."

— The Reason for God, Tim Keller

2024, 안녕 .

Another year - tumultuous, erratic, lonely, uncertain - gone by.

It's hard to believe that I made it, yet... here I am, at its end, bidding it farewell.

I wish that saying goodbye to 2024 could also mean a parting with sadness and all the problems and worries of life. Alas.

Yet as I welcome in the new year, I hope my strength is renewed, and that I've developed more dimensions to my understanding/perspective of life. Of people. I hope I have deeper wisdom and bolder purposefulness and resolve.

God... it was difficult but thank you.

It is still difficult but thank you.

Even if it will keep being difficult, please continue to be with me.

Help me to be aware that you are there even when I feel alone.

2024, 안녕.

2025, 안녕.

some things .

a season of saying 'no' to myself,
and following through.

----

my thoughts have become so big.

it's good for us to prepare before anything takes place. but i've become so used to preparing myself for the worst with my thoughts and my brain goes into overdrive, and now in many situations, rather than confronting anything head-on, the thoughts have become decision-makers themselves. they no longer are just "thoughts" or "plans"; they've become too big that they sap all my energy for whatever they've been made to prepare me for… (does this even make sense). i guess sometimes, that's why spontaneity can be refreshing.

so it's important to resist my thoughts, consciously. if i don't, they'll just keep going, and on harder days it'll be easier to cave in with my own attempts to distract/console myself. resisting can be, for example, thinking/saying 'no' to myself (when i'm able to actually catch a thought lol). and of course with the Word and talking to God. thinking is just a natural part of us and thoughts can just flow on their own that you don't think twice to stop in your tracks and catch them.... i want to be more active in that.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

— phil4.6

Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name.

— psalm86.11