Were Obligation and Loyalty my gods? Were they the reason I stayed long hours at church, the motivation behind my service, like a machine? And now that they've been uprooted from below my feet, I have no footing. I feel like I am just hovering through life like a ghost with no feet, no purpose.
Were they the reason I got so burnt out? Because - unlike God, who gives of Himself limitlessly, endlessly - these counterfeit gods ruthlessly demanded me to give more and more of myself what I did not have, could not give. Merciless gods who hunger for our energy; who were never satisfied with what I did give, even my best; and their rewards were just a few moments' reprieve from tasks and more tasks. But even those moments of sitting still were cut short by a looming sense of guilt that I should be moving and doing something.
And so outside of that space I searched for relief. Was that when Sloth answered the call? - Sloth, the other god, who promised rest and calm; but while it whispered fake words of comfort and pretended to take my side, saying I "deserved" doing nothing because of what Obligation and Loyalty took out of me, it demanded my wasted time in return.
Was Love not there for me? Was my motivation unloving and only self-serving? God, I thought, I truly truly truly thought and believed, that my service was all for You. Truly, out of love for You and love for Your people. I did love them. I remember those times, though difficult, were also filled with memories of joy and love, gratitude and kindness to one another. But why is this process so hard for me? Why can't I just pick myself back up and go back.
Oh, God… but I know that You are with me still. I know You won't leave even if this path doesn't look linear for me, even if I'm so sporadic and wishy-washy at times (sorry T__T). I know You are faithful but still ask for Your help to get me through this. Help me get back to that space with Your love... with Your joy and patience, forgiveness and kindness, peace and self-control... and courage. And forgive me for turning to other gods.
