3.24.2026

when longing is infused into the letting go .

[ aka letting go is hard because you don't want to let go duh ]

some scattered thoughts :

sometimes, the longing is what makes it difficult to let go.

sometimes, you get lost in the longing and find yourself still holding on
that you're stuck from moving on.

the path that would've led you on becomes buried in the leaves of hesitation and what-ifs.

time dulls the longing, but it will always remain, perhaps in a different form? 

"want." "desire." such strong human experiences.
sometimes we tend to over-romanticize our desires.

can you will yourself to "undesire"? to stop hoping? but is that human?

cynicism only exposes a hope that's been buried. 

apathy is an attempt to protect yourself from disappointment and keep yourself from sadness. but in the process you're also starving yourself of desire and numbing yourself from happiness.
it's a stump of a tree cut down from growing into life.
but even tree stumps give life and shelter to the critters and plants in its vicinity.
pls stay <3 endure <3
(randomly turned into a plea haha)

___________
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."
-- ps51.12


3.09.2026

judas iscariot

14 Then one of the Twelve—the one called Judas Iscariot—went to the chief priests 15 and asked, “What are you willing to give me if I deliver him over to you?” So they counted out for him thirty pieces of silver. 16 From then on Judas watched for an opportunity to hand him over.  
—Matthew 26

Lord,
how am I any different from judas iscariot?
I who betray and exchange You
for the cheap pleasures and satisfactions of this world?
I who turn away from the one true Diamond,
instead craving for temporary and counterfeit treasures
that turn out to be mud, slipping through the cracks of my heart

Lord,
forgive me
change me
i don't want to keep making the same mistake
trading joy for sorrow
doubting into disbelief of Your Majesty
Your glory
Your love...

be my first love once again.